Hi Lauren,

I haven’t spoken to my brother in five years. I knew his then fiancée in high school and she was not a kind person. One day, he was having second thoughts about his relationship and asked me for his opinion about my thoughts on his fiancée.  I answered honestly and they broke up for it. Afterwards, he completely cut me of his life and went out of his way to avoid me even at family gatherings. He even got married (to another woman) and didn’t invite me.

Recently, out of nowhere, he sent me messages about catching up as his current wife is pregnant. I called my mother and told her about him reaching out and she is pressuring me to reconcile. I want nothing to do with him. My mother is begging me to reconsider stating that her mental health is at risk from this rift. I told her that I would be polite and civil if my brother wanted to show up at family events while I was there, but that was it. She is devastated that I wont change my mind. I feel awful, but my brother made his choice to cut me out of his life a long time ago. How do I get my mother to understand this? And what do I do if my brother wants to talk?

Sincerely,

Completely Torn

Dear Completely Torn,

It sounds like you have been through a difficult and painful experience with your brother. It’s understandable that you may not feel ready or willing to reconnect with him after everything that has happened. It’s important to prioritize your own feelings and needs in this situation.

However, it’s also understandable that your mother wants to see her children reconcile and have a relationship. It may be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with your mother about your feelings and boundaries. Let her know that you appreciate her perspective, but that you have your own reasons for not wanting to reconnect with your brother. It may also be helpful to communicate that while you are willing to be polite at family events, you are not yet ready to have a deeper relationship with your brother.

Ultimately, it’s important to prioritize your own well-being and make decisions that feel right for you. It may take time to come to a resolution with your brother and your family, but remember that your feelings and needs are valid and important.

If your brother continues to reach out to you and you feel uncomfortable or unsure about how to proceed, it may be helpful to seek the guidance of a therapist or counselor.  If you are interested in gaining some tools to help navigate your feelings and provide tools for setting healthy boundaries in your relationships, please feel free to contact me and schedule a session. I am here to support you.

Best regards,

Lauren